Lunch at Lola's

 

Beckie joined us for lunch Saturday after our dress fitting appointment.  First time for most of us to eat at this restraunt.  We were all fans after the first bite.  

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70 degrees

On March 6th

no coats,
outdoors,
amazing weather!

and then clouds rolled in and in a 12 hour period.  1 pm to 1 am we had thunder, lightening,  hail, wind and rain the temps reached 70 degrees in the afternoon and by the wee hours of the morning they had dropped to the 20's and then it snowed.

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One sock

Typically one could say a 9 year old boy wearing only one sock, just got in a hurry and forgot.
So not the case with this boy.  He looked quite puzzled when he looked down at his feet after removing his boots... we had just entered the dress shop, where his two sisters needed to be fitted for the dresses they would be wearing at their older sister Cassandra's wedding in the fall.  The sign said please remove your shoes and so he did.  There we both discovered he had one sock on, only one.  He looked confused and then embarrassed and having no solution for this sockless dilemma i just said "oh, well.  it is what it is"  (I say that a lot. a lot) 
It's common for him to lose skills he has mastered, for a routine that is solid to just disappear overnight.  This wasn't the first time in recent weeks that we had discovered he had forgotten some key steps in his morning routing.  (we found him one morning waiting for the bus with no boots on, it was 10 degrees that morning with snow on the ground)  
and so we back it up and relearn those routines, one more time.   We have relearned this particular morning routine three times in as many years.   It's easy to get angry, or frustrated.  Sometimes I just feel so sad for this life he leads at others times I feel hopeless.  Often I am overwhelmed, because usually with a a discovery of a forgotten routine I add yet one more thing in an already full time period that needs to be monitored and checked.  I can't even begin to imagine what it must feel like for him, to know that he is forgetting something but has no idea what it is. 
So while he say on the chair waiting for his sisters to finish, trying to hide his sock-less foot I whispered to him let me take a picture, after all it's not every day your foot decides to go bare in the middle of winter.  He laughed as he looked at his toes and there is the best moment of all, laughter puts us both on track.

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Journey with Jesus

I was asked to do a mid-week Lenten service talk.  I stopped breathing, and tried frantically to find an excuse as to why I couldn't possible do that.  I didn't think that fear was a great answer.  Coming up empty in the excuse department and wondering if it's even allowed to give excuses to your pastor I said yes, because really how bad could it be?  Within minutes of hanging up the phone I had a 100 different scenario's of how bad it could actually be.  I decided to channel my inner adult and well that lasted a day. So instead I just ignored the fact that in a month's time I would have to stand in front of a group (hopefully a small, small group) of people and speak.  That was much more successful and I managed to  not think about it until the week before.  Then I had a mini panic attack and then I wrote and practiced my calm breathing exercises.  I realized that for as much as I hate procrastinating I actually write quite well when it's down to the wire.    After sending it to a couple of people to proof I then realized that perhaps I should practice it so that when I actually stood in front of that church I would perhaps be able to speak it without stuttering or staring down at a paper or passing out.  Pretty confident at that point that any or all of those things could happen. 
One night as I was reciting the  words I planned to speak, in my head my youngest stared at me and finally asked "What? are you doing?" 
 "Oh" i said "I'm practicing my talk I am giving in church in two days"  
"Soooooo"  she says "you plan to just stand in the front of the church and stare?" 
yes, my dear child that might just be all I accomplish. 
Public speaking is not my thing.  Never has been.  I would be fake sick on days I had to give speeches in class.  I have avoided it for most of my life.  I am simply happiest in the back of the room, observing.  A few times I have had to step in front of a group and share some words. No, it never actually gets easier the more I did it. 
Surprisingly the day of my talk I wasn't very nervous.  I had chatted with God and said " I trust that if you put this opportunity in my path, you have a reason for it, and I also trust your reason isn't to make me look like a fool" 

I can't tell you how many people were there, it was a bit more than the small amount I had hoped for.  I went into a bit of an auto pilot mode and just spoke the words that I had written in my last minute fashion.  I didn't pass out, or throw up, so there is that.
what did I share?  I spoke about our journey to adoptiong, the first time.  Where we added three small wonders into our family and throughout that journey I learned that God is always there, every step of the way.

here is the orginal I wrote, and followed somewhat closely the day I spoke:

If you asked me to describe my faith it would be as a quiet, steady presence in my life. Unchanging. Unquestioned. Just a thread quietly woven into the fabric of my life.  From the first time, I heard the words “Jesus loves you” I accepted and believed it to be true.

It wasn’t until our family decided to travel the road to adoption that I discovered faith could be an active part of my life. It was then that I learned to journey with Jesus.

Adoption was not something I had given much thought to, it wasn’t a part of a 5 year, 10 year, or life plan.

The placement that changed the direction of our lives started out quite ordinary.  A phone call, a little information, and an arrival in a few hours.  All normal for us.

Within hours I knew this placement was anything but ordinary.  If you had asked me beforehand if I knew what Shaken Baby Syndrome was I would have confidently replied yes, of course.  I had taken the classes, watched the videos, participated in the trainings.  I learned quickly that I knew nothing at all. When I turned to Google for more answers to the endless questions I now had, I stopped breathing.  Those answers were terrifying, filled with little hope.  As I held that baby the first night praying I wouldn’t injure her more with my ignorance. What I did know was

she had a traumatic brain injury,

she was medically fragile,

she had permanent brain damage. 

I was completely overwhelmed.

Within a few months, a conversation with their case manager included words I had never heard in any of our placements.  Termination of parental rights. Family search. Adoption. At the end of that conversation I said “we will adopt if it goes to that point.” The silence that followed told me I had surprised both of us.

I then realized that I would need to talk to Kevin about this decision I had just made.  It is most telling that before I even completed my explanation he interrupted and said “I hope you said we would adopt” We had never in our life had a conversation about adoption.

9 months later another phone call this time with the question... we have a baby, a sibling to the two already in your care…would we take her? What about adopting? My heart answered before my brain had time to analyze those words with a yes, of course we would take her.

There we were in our forties at a point in our life that we were almost done raising children and we had just decided to adopt 3 small children, one medically fragile and another a newborn.

It was in this time that I stopped praying.

At least in the manner I had been taught, head bowed, hands folded, brain clear and focused.   Instead my prayers become conversations with God at all hours of the day and night.  At times, they were lengthy. At others there were no words at all, only tears, at others they were a few words. Always there were questions.  Rarely was my mind clear or focused.

Ideally my organized brain would have appreciated an answer from God to come in the form of a detailed list, with guidelines to follow. Of course, that didn’t happen.

God’s answers often came in unexpected forms…

A phone call from a family member that distracted or made me laugh.

A conversation with a stranger who upon hearing we were in the process of adopting shared her adoption story

In the milestones achieved by a child who left doctors and specialists speechless by things she was accomplishing, things she was never supposed to be able to do.

In the quiet presence of a friend who sat with you when you couldn’t form the questions in your head because you were so afraid of the answers, and as your tears fell so did theirs.

In a small baby held close, whose steady breathing calmed your worried heart and for that tiny space of time there was peace.

As our adoption journey continued we learned:

Adoption is a roller coaster of emotions. You will feel joy and fear, hope and disappointment often at the same time.

There is paperwork, a lot of paperwork.

You will wait weeks, months, years for the process to be finalized.

There are court proceedings, 90 day reviews, mediation, trials.  We reached a place where we were as comfortable in a courtroom as we were in our living room.

Every time we entered the courthouse it was with the understanding that we could leave to go home to pack their bags, such was the nature of this process.

So many unknowns

So much uncertainty.

The one constant throughout this journey was we weren’t alone. God walked with us every step of the way.

We were on day three of what had been a very difficult trial, we were at a low point, our thoughts were heavy our hearts scared.  We pulled into the parking lot of the courthouse. Neither one of us wanted to enter that building so there we sat staring unseeing out the window. Quietly kevin said “you always say God brings kids to us for a reason” and I looked at him wondering what does this have to do with anything.  Then he said “I believe God brought these kids to us for a reason, and if they end up leaving I believe God will get us through that too.”  That simple reminder gave us the strength to walk into the courthouse and face whatever happened.

Eventually we received word that we would be able to adopt. Once again, we learned that our time and court time were nowhere near each other. 

And then one day, 4 years, 4 months, and 3 days after we first started this adoption journey we once again pulled into the parking lot of the courthouse. I watched as family spilled out of cars, and watched those three little ones running up the stairs to the courthouse.  As we entered one stopped and stared her eyes filled with amazement as she looked at her surroundings.  “It’s so beautiful” she whispered.

I couldn’t help but remember the countless hours I had spent inside these walls filled with uncertainty as decisions were made as to what direction their lives would go.  They had never been inside the courthouse, they never had to experience the uncertainty, the unknown that had defined much of their early years.  Instead of fear their first visit to the courthouse was a joy filled celebration.  God walked with us that day too, in every smile, or look of wonder, in the laughter and the tears.

Today my faith is not a quiet presence in my life, it is active and constantly changing.  It is full of questions, sometimes it’s messy and at times it’s beautiful. But always its filled with the understanding that I’m not alone on my journey through life. Jesus is always walking right beside me.

quite relieved the photo above didn't show how terrified I truly felt.

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Oh March

You are determined with the snowstorms....

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Rubik's cube

this is my 11 year old's favorite toy at the moment.  She is determined to solve it.  So far one side is mastered with a 2nd almost accomplished.  I imagine it won't be  long and she will have solved the puzzle that is the rubik's cube.

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A little bit of sunshine

Sent a little box of sunshine (everything inside was yellow) someone's way last week.  What a happy box to assemble!

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Best day ever

March 1st Dairy Queen opens in our town.  Some in this house begin counting the days until it reopens the day after it closes in the fall.  It is truly the happiest day of the winter season when the lights go on and the ice cream is served.  Continuing our annual visit on the first day of the new DQ season...

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40 bag challenge

Goal for today...begin to gather stuff to go somewhere other than our house. I had read about 40 bags for lent, the idea was simple to gather one bag of stuff to donate, give away or recycle for the 40 days of Lent. Today I started on the top floor, my kids were not as enthusiastic as I was about this plan. 44 bags later we exceeded our goal.
#mychildrenarehoarders #westillhavetwofloorstogo
#myorganizedbrainishappy

The rainbows have returned

The rainbows are back!
We wait every year for the return of the rainbows to our kitchen this morning we celebrated their return....

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A night in Camelot

Saturday night Linda and I attended the final performance of Camelot at the Chanhassen Dinner Theater.  It was a much needed pause in some pretty busy few weeks.  The show was wonderful and the food amazing, always nice to spend time in the company of a friend. 

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Adoption Anniversary

Tonight we celebrated their adoption anniversary.  8 years ago we walked into a courtroom as a family of 5 and left as a family of 8.  Still today I can remember moments from that day as tho they just happened.  The endless smiles.  The feeling of relief. The look on the judges face when she first saw them.  (She had never met them.  Minors are rarely included in court proceedings especially ones so young.  Her decisions decided the course of their life.  By the time we reached the point of adoption, this judge had moved to a new community, we requested to have her finalize the adoption, it felt fitting since she had been there from the beginning.) Being surrounded by family and friends, the support and love was endless. 
you can go here

or here
for pictures from the day of their adoption.

 

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