My mom....

on her wedding day in 1962

family picture 1970

with my dad, his mom, Beckie and Josh 1987

age 5 or 6
that picture looks so much like Cassandra at that age

November 6, 1996
was a day that my life changed completely
a phone call before 6am with news that no one wants to hear...ever.
my mom died that morning
unexpectedly
numbness walked with me those early days, and weeks
as I moved through days and motions
life doesn't truly pause when your entire world has been shaken
at first I counted time passing by the 6th of each month
it's been a month, then 6, a year..

Time passes, life keeps you busy, kids grow and so do you.
So many moments she should have seen, big and small.
So many times I wanted to pick up the phone just to ask her advice.
Still on my birthday I notice the one phone call that never comes.
It took years before I could watch videos with her in them
now I cherish those brief moments of film.
you blink and it's been years.
It feels like yesterday that I wrote this post, and yet it has been 5 years.

I am the person I am today, because of the person she was.
today if someone says to me "you are just like your mom" I am honored
which is so far removed from how I felt as a teenager and young adult, when any reference like that would have put me in a spin
quickly followed by a "I am nothing like her statement" I hated her then. Thankfully God gave me the time to grow up and come to terms with that and to see her for the whole person, not just the one part.
she was an amazing person.


I miss her.
daily.
at moments when I most doubt myself...I miss her belief in me
when I proudly watch my child accomplish something...I miss her smile and cheer just for them
when I am sick...I miss her quiet presence saying it's going to be ok
when life seems to dump and pile and you simple feel overwhelmed...I miss the comfort only a mom can give

As I share stories and pictures of her with these littlest ones in our family
I wish she were here to share life with us.
I don't expect I will ever not miss her.