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My church.

I was baptized here, confirmed, married, my babies were baptized here. I didn't always think of it as home. Truth be told until a few years ago I often felt out of place or a fraud. 

I remember Sunday school years being dropped at the door left to navigate my way in, a bit overwhelming for a shy kid.  Once confirmed my attendance dwindled it was too overwhelming to continue navigating on my own.  

Once we had kids my focus switched, I didn't want them to be dropped at the door kids and so we started attending church.  It was the hardest thing I did each Sunday walking into that place that was so familiar and so frightening.  Worried my kids would be brats and people would judge or talk about my dreadful parenting skills. I had three kids back then.  I felt like I was forever watching others trying to figure out how this church business worked. 

 As with most things that become habit in time it wasn't quite so overwhelming, quite so scary. In time it became a place where for a few hours each week I recharged...I still wasn't confident with all the seasons and words of the service but just being there in that space brought calm to my world.

When my mom died was when I first experienced what a church family felt like. It is indescribable being surrounded by those who simply share your grief. Even if they didn't know the person you were grieving they still cared. 

Over the years I have been gifted often with the unexpected support of my church.  Being parents, and then foster parents, our adoption journey's, loss and celebrations. It has been a constant during my entire life.

I watched others when i started going to church over 30 years ago. There were always a few who my eyes would land on, usually older than I, that I thought this is how I want my faith to look someday.   I still watch others in church.   There are so many beautiful examples of faith and I learn from so many.  I imagine most will never know that impact they  had on that young, shy, overwhelmed mom or continue to have on this no longer young, always shy, crazy overwhelmed mom today. 

Today when I sit in a pew or walk the hallways I breathe easier, I'm surrounded by a calmness only this place provides. People have come and gone, the building has changed inside and out but under it all runs the familiar, the welcome, the connection to others. 

It is home.

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