10 years

a decade
120 months
520 weeks
3650 days (give or take leap year dates)

unmeasurable moments, events, milestones......


It was 10 years ago today that my mom died. I can remember the day vividly. I can recall feelings so clearly that my body still reacts today. I remember moments so completely, the look on some one's face, the hug from a friend, seeing my dad cry, the kindness showed by so many.
The overwhelming emotions, shock, uncertainty, fear, sadness, emptiness, amazed a body could feel so much and still function. Decisions being made, and throughout the whole process inside I was fighting it with everything I had...honestly I was horrified when I stood in a room full of caskets, and yet the decisions had to be made, picking out a cemetery plot, the very kind man presenting places as easily as a Realtor would present land to you...wrong on so very many levels...my dad looking to me for answers (when did that happen, I still felt like a kid) "what do you think" he asked at a particular plot, inside I thought does it really matter, do you think she cares if she has a view? what I spoke was I think it will work. ( I have learned now that the plot isn't for the person who died, it truly for those left behind, I have over the years found peace in visiting that little piece of land that 10 years ago I in disbelief chose.)
I struggled for so long with the numbers, at first it was it's been a week, then two, wow now it's a month. I wondered if the 6th would ever just be a number again in my life. I knew when it was coming, I could tell you how long it had been faster than taking a breath. eventually it did stop being so big...although November 6th will forever be etched in my memory. I expected holidays to be bad the first year, they were and yet we got thru them and it wasn't so dreary and sad we survived, I learned it isn't that obvious that gets you it's the unexpected...my birthday was horrible, I was crabby, tense, unpleasant the whole day, no idea why until later that night when the phone rang and I realized I had been waiting for her to call, something she had done every year without fail, something until then I had not even registered as important until it was gone. I had simply took it for granted. The books written on grief are endless I read a good share of them, I never did find the answer, rather I found the answers are there inside you and you need to be ready to see them before you can accept them. I have moments of anger at her, for not taking better care of herself, for missing so much in our lives, those are brief thankfully and actually pretty selfish on my part. I have moments of tears, when I just simply miss my mom.
and I have moments of complete joy that she was in my life, no matter how short. I wonder what she thinks of her grandchildren, I have often sensed her at moments in their lives, I found comfort in thinking she was still a part of them,watching over them.and I wonder what she thinks of the new little ones in our lives, I know she would have loved them as completely as she did each of the other grandkids. I wonder what she would think of the person I have become... at times there are questions I would love to ask, advice I wish I had, just to simply see her, take in her face, her smell, her love. I have learned we miss most what we can't have. and I do miss her still 10 years later.