What made you decide ...

What made you decided to adopt these three children?

Of all the children you have had in placement why these three?

At your age, what were you thinking?

Those questions and many others have been posed to me over the past few years. I myself have wondered that very thing. I don't think there has been a child placed in my home that I didn't want to protect, love, and keep, but always I understood they simply were not mine to keep. The time I spent with them was never mine to decide. This placement began as any other with a phone call, a bit of information, and then the wait for them to arrive. Ordinary. For us.

Did I know how much my life would change when those two tiny children walked thru my door?, of course not.

From the moment I knelt down and looked into the biggest brown eyes, filled with fear and simply said "It's going to be ok" something connected with that little boy.

When I turned to his baby sister and unwrapped her from her blankets, seeing for the first time the bandages, the bruises, this tiny, injured, fragile baby, my need to protect responded.

Before adoption became a word we even uttered out loud, my heart knew I was suppose to be their mom.

God knew.

I no longer question why children arrive at our door. At that moment there is something they need that we are able to provide. So often we too gain something in return. Often I find I have learned a necessary skill, or lesson with each child I meet and share time with. It is safe to say I am a better person for having known them.

God knew this too.

The decision to adopt for me, was instant. I remember well a conversation, with their case manager, filled with terms I had never heard before and knowing before the conversation was over what my decision would be. I think I surprised her when I said "If it goes to that point we will adopt" Before talking to Kevin,or our older kids I made that statement knowing it was right for us. Saying "We will adopt" was as normal as taking a breath. It is most telling that when I spoke to Kevin, before I finished my sentence he too said "Of course we are adopting" and when we talked with the older three, unsure of what their response would be they too, were unanimous in the course we would travel. We had known those little ones for less than three months, and at that time we knew nothing about the baby that would arrive during the summer.I just knew in my heart we were suppose to do this.

Of course God knew

With that decision came questions. I found I would over time often...

Question my sanity.

Question the judicial system.

The people in charge.

Myself.

Countless times before this journey was complete. And I did. Just in case you think I am noble or saintly let me clarify a few things for you. One can know in one's heart what you are suppose to do. One can also question that knowledge in many varied and creative ways. I did have moments at first where I wondered what have I just agreed to do? I found myself thinking....

I am almost done raising babies, who decides to start over.

I am 40, what am I thinking. (this was uttered often when Rosie was a newborn and I discovered that I rather liked sleeping at night)

I will never travel now.

I will never be able to go back to school.

I will be giving up "my" life to raise more little lives.

are you noticing the "I" theme happening here. I think perhaps for me the hardest thing to give up (in my mind I figured I was giving it up) was the life I had envisioned once I had finished raising babies. (translation they graduated from high school) I had gone thru a period when my older three were toddlers where I felt as tho I had given up the life I had imagined just to simply raise babies (silly I know) at one point I realized that I hadn't really given it up I had just put it on pause...when those babies graduated I would be very young and then I could follow those dreams I had felt were important. Ok so it took me a long while to come to that point, God also knows how incredible difficult (stubborn) I can be. But eventually I get there. That carried me thru some of those tough parent times. So imagine the conversations I had with myself when we decided to adopt. (don't worry I rarely answer myself) when I let my heart answer without letting my brain analyze every aspect. I remember one night seeing an ad for Florida, "come stay with us" it said. I recall my grumpy little attitude thinking "well that's not going to happen" and then "why not?" drifted thru my mind. I remember thinking there are 101 reasons why not, and then realized I couldn't list one. With that enlightening thought my mind was soon filled with thoughts like these "They could travel with you, think of the experiences you would share. You are not the young, unsure person you were twenty years ago. There really isn't anything you couldn't do, if it was what you truly wanted to do. So stop being afraid" Once I let go of my focus on "me" it was amazing how differently I viewed things. I often imagine after moments like this that God simply shakes his head and thinks oiy! that is stubborn one. Like I said, just in case you thought I was this terrific person for adopting these three little wonders, I thought I should share just how human I am.

God knew I would question and patiently waited as I worked thru each and every question.

When we were first approached with the news of another baby the question of "would you take it?" quickly followed. Once again there was no hesitation, they were family and no matter what the outcome they needed to be together and "yes of course we would adopt all three" was the answer to the next question. I think I will always wonder at the way God answers the tiniest of prayers. It is no secret that I would have had more children. That even knowing I had been blessed with the most amazing three little people, that being their mom was my greatest gift, it didn't stop that tiny little thought every now and again of "I should have had another." As I soaked up the wonder and joy that is a newborn baby I marveled at how God had answered my prayer with not one but three little wonders. (and once or twice I may have wondered at God's sense of humor in answering that prayer 20 years later) Who gets that chance? Who is blessed with three little miracles, when they were certain they were done raising babies? Who knew.

Yeah God knew.

What led us down that road to adoption, where at times a completion to that journey did not seem possible? Where daily we wondered if we would see their next birthday, their graduation, their weddings, their life. "How do you do it?" has been asked in countless ways. That answer is simply, we didn't do "it" alone. God walked with us, every step, every breathe, every moment. God placed people in our lives along every step of the way. If you are reading this there is a good chance you are one of those people. Some prayed for us, others quietly listened, or offered an encouraging word, a hug. Some ranted right along with us, and celebrated each happy bit of happy news. Did I know how difficult the road would be, did I realize that at times it would feel like a battle, did I know I would become as comfortable in a courtroom as in my own home, or did I know that my very person would be questioned time and time again. Did I have any idea the length of time this journey would take?

Of course not, but God knew.

The day they arrived when I had my first look at yahaira and my body was filled with fear, and questions, and worries, I remember looking at my mother in law and saying "What have I agreed to?" "I have no idea how to take care of a baby with these kind of injuries" "What if I hurt her, with my stupidity?" She looked at me and said "She needs you, you can do this" and maybe therein lies the simplest of answers.......

They needed us, and we needed them too.

One bible verse that I have returned to time and time again, when my heart was heavy, or worried, or scared was Psalm 139 13-16. It's worth reading the passage in it's entirety, but to give you the overall message is simply this, God knew. Before we were born God knew our story.