awkward

today I had to run a few errands so with Betty here holding down the fort (so to speak) I headed to the post office and library and McDonalds to get the kids lunch (insert Happy Happy kids here) so as I'm driving by Caseys I notice that gas is now 2.15 woa it's gone down. ....so naturally I pull in to fill up the tank...murphy's law when I don't the price will automatically go up the day I "have" to fill up as in empty tank so now I just fill it. So I'm walking into Caseys to pay and do you know how you get a feeling someone is watching you.... it was coming in loud and clear. I glance inside the store and notice the the kids' grandmother is waiting to check out, then I notice that the person who is walking into the store in front of me is the kids' mom...oh bother. So chin up and a smile on my face (it's always fun pretending to be brave especially when one can feel the dislike grandma feels for us miles away) I smile at mom and say hi, she shyly says hi and smiles back (and now I digress, sometimes I wonder if we weren't in this situation on opposite sides if you will, and really I wonder why sides ever had to be drawn....this could have been so much easier if there could have been some meeting part way so sad that grandma was so against us from the start. ... but I digress, I wonder if we could have been friends, the mom that is, she has always been kind to us, not that we have seen or interacted with her all that much. but still I wonder if it could have worked differently understandably most parents don't embrace us when their children are place in fostercare, but still you wonder if we hadn't met in these circumstances would we have liked each other. (Sometimes as I watch the kids I find myself wondering did you get that from your birth mom or dad, for all that did occur and for where this journey has brought us I will always hold a place in my heart that will be thankful to them for giving life to these 3 amazing wonders) but back to the present as I pass grandma I also say hi and smile....ok all I get is a glare, I'm sure she would have loved to smacked me (I guess I do bring that out in some people) but she chose to just glare (ok so I suppose on some level it actually makes sense the dislike after all we in simplistic terms have what she wants and if you are so inclined to have to draw lines and make things black and white I suppose I can see why she doesn't like us) ....naturally I end up in line behind them to check out...how weird that for all intents in purposes we share something very amazing and yet no words are spoken, just a tentative smile from mom, as if she is unsure how to address this meeting . I just find at times it sure isn't easy when faced with this dislike, terribly hard to not let it get personal. I reason with myself I've never done anything to grandma, I've always been kind, polite, generous...and yet she still dislikes me...weird how you can understand and yet still be hurt. As they left with no acknowledgement by grandma mom looks back smiles and says bye, echoed by me. and again I wonder.... what if?